Worse jokes

[mals]

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. He topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam..."

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a-salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
"Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

[colm]

I'm laughing out loud reading them

[Jonnyplum]

Shocking but funny

[Chet T16]

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

I don't get it

[Chris H]

neither did I but I never admitted it

[colm]

Originally Posted by Chris H

neither did I but I never admitted it

I made myself think I got it

[Chet T16]

lol colm that sounds like something a woman would say!

[JB]

they say Hows that!!! when they catch you out in cricket!"!

[Chris H]

must be an english thing

[Chet T16]

Originally Posted by JB

they say Hows that!!! when they catch you out in cricket!"!

Oh, i see

Must be an english thing

[Luke1916v]

^^ Either that or "Bowling Sacky!"

[Luke1916v]

Some of those were awesome. I love them shitty jokes.

Queen of some country puts an advert out saying that she wants to be pleasured by a man with a big willy if they do they become king but if they don't satisfy her, they get the chop. Anyway all these wideboys are standing in this queue and one by one it gets smaller and smaller, heads rolling all over the fucking place. This one man sees the queue and thinks, "I've got a brilliant idea!". So he nips down the local veg market and purchases the largest, widest and longest marrow he can. Hides it under his coat and stands in line. Anyway, the queue slowly dissapears infront of him and his turn arrives. "Alright love, you don't mind if we turn the light off do you?" He says, she replies "No, thats fine, so long as you can satisfy me". Lights off, he whips the marrow out and begins doing-his-thang with it. The Queen pipes up "Oh, I love a bit of finger before we start!"

HAHAHA!!!!

[tom 16v]

worst one ever


Q-why cant frankensteins monster have sex







A- cause his nuts are in his neck


ok im going lolol

[bidderman1969]

i almost wet myself with some of them, the air disaster was so funny