Friday Funny - Retro-Renault

Jonnyplum · 3rd November 2006, 03:23 PM

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I
Politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**kin number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could
be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I
found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung
up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a C*nt!" It always
cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "C*nt" calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,"Hi, this is John
Smith from BT . I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled
into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that
I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For
Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt,
too.
I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"
Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and
the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's
a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently
unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve,
you're a C*nt!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two a**eholes to call. Then one day I came up with an
idea. I called C*nt #1.
"Hello?"
"You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal
grey Land Rover parked out the front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up.

Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, C*nt," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll do what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a*se," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
129 Alice Street, Ilford , and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in
Alice Street, Ilford .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there
just in time to watch two C*nts beating the cr*p out of each other in
front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.
Take it from me, anger management really works...